more about feet

So we saw the podiatrist today. Another Dr. joining us on "Team Ben." Ben has his leg braces, he HATES them... and you have to know Ben to know what a huge statement that is. Ben puts up with more and deals with more and just simply tolerates more than any other child of his age I have ever know. He just does what needs to be done and even if it's hard and even if he's not sure he can do it and even if he doesn't like it... he just deals with it. EXCEPT when it comes to the SMO's. He just hates them. They have left permanent scars on his legs, they cut into him and hurt him and make his feet sweat like crazy. They're hard and uncomfortable and I can't only imagine just a nightmare to have to deal with. Every time we take the "Mo's" out Ben cries and does his "all done" sign while squeaking out between the tears "No Mo's Mama. Peas. No Mo's Mama." It's heart wrenching... seriously heart breaking. I have seen him get shots and have IV's put in and go through surgeries and just deal with it... but he sees those Mo's and just melts into a puddle of tears... my poor angel boy.

So anyway, we saw the Podiatrist today at the recommendation of his Physiatrist because the latter thought that maybe Ben needed surgery. So we made the appt. and today was the day. We had to wait a while, which was a big PITA with two overacting and crazy babies with us. Finally the Dr. checked him out and said that Ben has very flat feet with a "protruding heel" (I think that's what he said) and severe pronation. The Dr. told us that basically it's inevitable that Ben WILL NEED surgery at some point in his future. They then did a bunch of "load bearing" x-rays and Ben was amazingly cooperative. He did exactly what they told him and seemed a little nervous as we would all leave the room for just a moment when they took the films but didn't cry or get upset... but did give us his million-giga-watt smile when we would come back in after the button had been pushed. He was such a trouper. I'm so incredibly proud of him. Anyway, we got really good news in that all of his foot bones are properly formed and VERY straight, as they should be, so that was great to hear and see. So when Ben does have to have his surgery they aren't going to have to cut or trim or break bone, just deal with soft tissue and "inserts" into the bone to correct his problems. So all in all... good news. Yeah, he has to have surgery, but we pretty much figured that going in. The best part is that once he is old enough for the surgery he will be rid of "Mo's" for good.

In the meantime the Dr. suggested that since Ben is so young and hates the Mo's as much as he does maybe he could try a "gait plate" in the meantime. They're easier to deal with and just go inside the shoes and won't be as hot, sweaty, or painful for him. So in a couple of weeks we'll take Ben in for casts and then he'll have some gait plates made and we'll see how that goes. I'm really hopeful that this will work better for him than the SMO's are now... and the best part is that they won't be as hot and uncomfortable. So I'm really hoping that they work well and we get good results with them until the surgery time comes along.

All in all... not so bad. Right? Another surgery for our boy at some point but he'll be older, better able to understand and with the promise of no more hardware I think a surgery he'll be willing to deal with for the great payoff in the end.

things that make you go Hmmmmmmmm.......

Ben went to school this morning. Like he did yesterday morning. He doesn't go to school on Monday's so not an issue. I posted about Ben's newest boo-boo here just in case you missed it.

So today, early this morning we get a phone call from the nurse at Ben's school. She tells us that the teachers say that Ben bumped his head and he has an ugly bruise on his head so they wanted her to check it out. She called to tell us about it and then mentions "but it looks like it might be old?" So Ed tells her "Yeah he got that over the weekend." She pauses for a moment and asks "was he in school yesterday?" Ed tells her that yes, he was in school yesterday. She thanks us for our time and says goodbye.

So... I'm kind of thinking... WTH? Should I be glad that they noticed it and wanted to get it looked at to make sure he was okay? Or should I be upset that they didn't notice YESTERDAY? It just seems odd to me. Don't misunderstand, I LOVE Ben's teachers and his teachers assistants, they're all wonderful. Honestly yesterday when we heard nothing about it I just assumed that they had noticed it (it's a little hard not to notice but admittedly sometimes his hair covers it a bit) and realized he had fallen over the weekend and didn't think anything of it. So when I got the call today I was a bit thrown. Weird.

Well... all in all they wanted what was best for Ben. They thought he had hurt himself and took him to the nurse for care so that's all good.

Next we have to work out his transportation to his summer SN program.

Sweetness

This morning I woke up late. Ed has been an absolute and utter saint and has let me sleep in almost every day for a week since I've been so horribly sick. I'm doing better, I wouldn't say 100% but I'd say I'm a good 90%, and even today he let me sleep in. Due to this complete spoiling on his part I have developed absolutely atrocious sleep habits in the past week and I'm going to bed WAY too late and sleeping in, usually until 8 or so. Well this morning I am almost embarrassed to admit I slept until 9:30!! I honestly haven't done that in years! Yeah yeah yeah... what does this all have to do with Ben. After all it's his blog right?

So I woke up feeling great and called Ed to come spend a little cuddle time with me. Just some quiet time together before going downstairs into the normal chaos and bedlam. We spend just a few minutes spooning and talking and sending up a prayer for my brother's wife when Ben joined us. We heard his little uneven steps on the stairs and his little knock at the door. We told him to come on in and he opened the door and came in. He immediately ran over to Daddy's side of the bed and crawled in tucking the covers up to his sweet little chin. So we spent a little time together... Ben being the sweetest thing ever and offering kisses and hugs and telling us he loved us. In short order he had moved himself to the middle of the bed between Ed and I so he could more easily get lovin's from both Mami and Daddy. It was just nice. It was nice to hold him and cuddle with him and be with him... really WITH him.

We worry sometimes what the future holds for Ben and what his life will be like. One thing we know is that his life will be filled with love and he will shower those closest to him with his very special brand of love and affection in his own special Ben way. Mornings like today make me push aside those worries and concerns and make me revel in the miracle that is Ben. We have six kids in this family and the God's honest truth is that I have never met a child that loves as completely and purely as Ben does... with reckless abandon and every fiber of his being. Babies love that way but so quickly toddlers learn the ways of manipulation and cunning... but not Ben. Kit still loves in that pure unspoiled way but she's just a baby and she'll soon move on to finding her own persuasive techniques to get what she wants... putting out that bottom lip, a few crocodile tears, that sweet little smile with just the perfect head tilt... all in her ploy to get her own way. It's the nature of the beast... and really I'm okay with that... I kind of enjoy it in some dark and twisty way that is so uniquely me. I know though that Ben, at four-years-old, doesn't have that. He is pure and sweet and loving and kind and good because he just IS. I love that about my Ben. I love that so much I could eat it up with a spoon.

We are so blessed.

Boo-Boo Ben

Well, instead of Benjamin-Boo we now have Boo-Boo Ben. He got a big old goose-egg on his head. He was playing out on the deck, doing something he KNOWS he's not supposed to do, and fell over and slammed his head. He cried and told us about his boo-boo and we put ice on it for a little bit but I think he hates the ice more than he hates the boo-boo's themselves. Some Motrin and a lollipop later and he was feeling okay... although he did make sure to remind me of it several times before he went to bed.

Do you want to know what that little imp was doing out on the deck that he KNOWS he's not supposed to do? He was standing on one of the deck chairs. One of the ones that spin. One of the two I have left on the deck because my foolish children like to... get this... push the chairs up to the railing and then stand on the chair and lean over the edge. Yeah that little trick almost put me into early labor with Kit when I watched Patch do it... twice!!! So anyway, Ben stood on the chair and it spun and toppled over, little boy and all. Ben was so stunned he couldn't even cry at first, he just lied on the deck his eyes as big as saucers completely stunned. Then came the tears and him telling us he had boo-boo's. He first told me that he had a boo-boo on his belly... THEN he told me "boo-boo head" and I saw the egg!

So here you have it... our little boo-boo Ben. The pictures don't do it justice, IMO. It's much more purple and black and blue than that IRL. Oh and that's him sticking his tongue out at one of his older sisters.

Ben Ben feet feet

So during spring break Ben spent most of a day running around outside playing having the time of his life. He was so happy. That boy just loves being outside... and even more so he loves it when I let him go down in the yard and run around with the big kids and play on the slide and just have a general amazing time. Generally speaking he's such a happy boy... always has a smile for everyone and a kiss and a hug and is adored by all that know him.

Anyway, after a fashion he came inside and with tears in his eyes ran up to me and sat in my lap and told me "shoes off. HURT!!" and was so miserable. I took his shoes off and then his SMO's and saw BLOOD on his socks. Oh shit. So I peeled his little socks off and his ankles were bleeding from the SMO's. It looked awful and he was crying. I felt SO bad. My baby was in pain and I hadn't known and now he was bleeding. Of course we immediately stopped using the SMO's and called his physiatrist and his SMO guy, Gordon.

Anyway, it's been more than two weeks and his legs are STILL horribly bruised and you can see where the scabs healed over. This week he sees his Dr. and Gordon and I don't know WHAT we're going to do to be honest but we have to do something.

I get it this his pronation is bad and truthfully, I know it's true, getting worse. Ed's taking to calling Ben's feet his "flippers" because... well... they're just a mess. They look bad and I know it's bad for him and it's going to destroy his ankle bones and his knees. I KNOW that. I just hate having to put him through the pain and discomfort of the SMO's. The other thing is that they are HOT. Having plastic all around your feet is HOT. In the dead of winter he comes home and his little socks are drenched with sweat. I have to take them off when he gets home and put on fresh dry socks every day. I can't imagine how he is ever going to manage in the heat of summer with them and I cry just thinking about it. I can't help it. I just well up and cry.

It kills me inside. It's like it just takes a part of my soul and crushes it and I can't stop that. He's my baby. I want to take away all his pain and his discomfort and his problems and make them go away........... and I can't. I see him suffer and it's like a knife in my heart. Why can't I just make it all better for him? Why can't I take his suffering upon myself and spare him?

I'm not in a good place right now with all this. Ben's feet and the bleeding and bruising... the fact that Kit is starting to talk better than Ben... seeing how far behind he is when we see another 4 y/o child. It's just hurting. I want the world for Ben. I want to give it to him on a platter and make his life easier. Why can't I do that?

Dream Within a Dream
E.A. Poe

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?