Ben Ben feet feet

So during spring break Ben spent most of a day running around outside playing having the time of his life. He was so happy. That boy just loves being outside... and even more so he loves it when I let him go down in the yard and run around with the big kids and play on the slide and just have a general amazing time. Generally speaking he's such a happy boy... always has a smile for everyone and a kiss and a hug and is adored by all that know him.

Anyway, after a fashion he came inside and with tears in his eyes ran up to me and sat in my lap and told me "shoes off. HURT!!" and was so miserable. I took his shoes off and then his SMO's and saw BLOOD on his socks. Oh shit. So I peeled his little socks off and his ankles were bleeding from the SMO's. It looked awful and he was crying. I felt SO bad. My baby was in pain and I hadn't known and now he was bleeding. Of course we immediately stopped using the SMO's and called his physiatrist and his SMO guy, Gordon.

Anyway, it's been more than two weeks and his legs are STILL horribly bruised and you can see where the scabs healed over. This week he sees his Dr. and Gordon and I don't know WHAT we're going to do to be honest but we have to do something.

I get it this his pronation is bad and truthfully, I know it's true, getting worse. Ed's taking to calling Ben's feet his "flippers" because... well... they're just a mess. They look bad and I know it's bad for him and it's going to destroy his ankle bones and his knees. I KNOW that. I just hate having to put him through the pain and discomfort of the SMO's. The other thing is that they are HOT. Having plastic all around your feet is HOT. In the dead of winter he comes home and his little socks are drenched with sweat. I have to take them off when he gets home and put on fresh dry socks every day. I can't imagine how he is ever going to manage in the heat of summer with them and I cry just thinking about it. I can't help it. I just well up and cry.

It kills me inside. It's like it just takes a part of my soul and crushes it and I can't stop that. He's my baby. I want to take away all his pain and his discomfort and his problems and make them go away........... and I can't. I see him suffer and it's like a knife in my heart. Why can't I just make it all better for him? Why can't I take his suffering upon myself and spare him?

I'm not in a good place right now with all this. Ben's feet and the bleeding and bruising... the fact that Kit is starting to talk better than Ben... seeing how far behind he is when we see another 4 y/o child. It's just hurting. I want the world for Ben. I want to give it to him on a platter and make his life easier. Why can't I do that?

Dream Within a Dream
E.A. Poe

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?